The Headache Cure

Do you need a cure for whatever is ailing you?

I sure did this morning. Let me tell you about one of my hardest days ever!

I woke up at five thirty this morning with one of the worst headaches I’ve ever had. Now, I am not prone to getting these things, so when I do, it’s like I’ve died and gone to Hades!

Naturally, I rolled my rollie-pollie butt out of bed, went to the bathroom without turning on the light because I had no desire to awaken the demon sharing my bed for a little problem like the end of the world pounding around in my head, and tried to find the Tylenol and Motrin.

I guess my desire to keep from disturbing my better half went unappreciated, because I heard her stumbling around the room slamming things. After digging through half the bathroom cabinets using only my IPhone flashlight for guidance, I found my savior medicine in plain sight, right in front of me on the edge of the sink.

I had no problem with the Tylenol jar as the lid simply unscrewed like a normal cap. Yet the Motrin jar gave me a hard time. YOU try holding your cell phone flashlight in your mouth while looking for the little white arrows to line up the lid and bottle correctly to get the darn thing open, with your head pounding and Satan’s newly awakened helper heading your way, I’ll bet you have a hard time too!

I must have paid the proper homage to the master of medicine, or contorted my body enough, because I finally heard that satisfying “Pop” indicating success.

I really think, by what happened next, that the Ibuprofen jar was simply trying to warn me off!

I dumped what seemed like four thousand Ibuprofen pills into the same hand holding my two Tylenol capsules. If that wasn’t bad enough, I then mistakenly dropped the Tylenol into the Ibuprofen jar while trying to narrow my selection down to four. If you don’t mind, I won’t mention the fifty pills I dropped into the sink – we’ll just keep that our little secret ok?

I was so tired, and my head was pounding so badly, that I wanted to scream! When I opened my mouth to do just that, my cell phone fell out, hit the edge of the sink, shattered the screen, and plunged me back into total darkness.

Out of sheer frustration, I closed the bathroom door and switched on the light. Finally gathering four 200mg Ibuprofen pills and two 500mg Tylenol capsules into my shaking hand, I quickly slammed all of them into my eager mouth and bent my pounding little brain down to get a little water to wash them down with.

You should know, we have a double sink in our master bathroom, mine and hers. Well, I am not sure whether what happened next was karma for putting my mouth on her faucet, for ignoring the Ibuprofen bottle’s warning, or for waking sleeping demons, because I didn’t stand up to swallow the pills. I took a great big gulp of water while doubled over the sink. All but one pill made it through the correct passage into my stomach.

One Ibuprofen pill, as if it had a demon encapsulated in its orange casing, decided to lodge itself in the back of my throat.

Well the headache cure worked because I no longer had any thought of the pain and simply focused on the panic I felt at that moment.

I could breathe, so I wasn’t really worried about choking to death. Really!

Nope, my concern was that the pill would go down the airway into one of my lungs thereby causing a serious problem, or stay where it was,  lodged on one of my tonsils like the jumping cactus in the Arizona desert attached itself to my backside when I got too close as a kid, where it would cause some kind of acidic erosion in my throat.

The Dragon Lady came storming into the bathroom and switched on the light as I was spluttering and gagging to dislodge the stupid thing.

“What in the world are you doing in here” she asked with that look of compassion reserved for uppity doctors in the hospital where she works.

“Dying” I replied.

She smiled her wicked little grin, anticipating a soon to be collected life insurance policy, and said “Can you do it more quietly?”

“Ha Ha” I replied, which caused me to begin gagging again.

“What’s wrong this time?” she asked.

I managed to say “pill, stuck, throat” while resisting the urge to puke all over the place.

I know, you’re thinking “don’t worry, it’ll dissolve on its own!”   Well, dear reader, it showed no indication of doing that.

“You’re imagining things” she replied as she turned to stumble back into the bedroom.

“No” gag,

“I” gag,

“am” heave,

“not”splutter.

She laughed and crawled back  in bed.

Seeing I wasn’t about to get any help  from my medically trained spouse, I stumbled out of the bathroom towards the door.

As everyone knows, I would have to rely on Google to come to the rescue – right? Um ok – I read everything I could find on Google. Mostly it was Dr.’s and nurses saying “it’s all in your head” or It’s a “Phantom pill sensation” or “it scratched your throat on the way down”

Have you ever looked at an Ibuprofen pill? It’s round and very smooth – there is NO WAY it scratched anything on the way down.

The Google masters said:

“drink lots of fluid – it’ll dissolve”

or

“try a coke” (luckily I had a few of those lying around),

or

“Eat some bread”

and

“two teaspoons of olive oil will do the trick” – “lie down flat and swallow water” – “drink a milkshake” (right – like I have the ingredients for that! – NOT!) – “gargle water” – on and on and on.

I felt like a weirdo standing on my head hoping gravity would do the trick.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now two thirty PM and the stupid thing is still there. It’s a horrible feeling that I haven’t experienced since asking demon lady to marry me. Not sure I was more afraid that she’d say yes or no!

Speaking of Demon lady, she called a little while ago and laughed at me saying it’s all in my head. Reminds me of when I told her morning sickness was all in HER head.

I really think she was getting even with me for laughing at her bad dream the other night. She was so freaked out she woke our son up at two thirty in the morning (on a school night) to make sure he was ok.

On the bright side, the headache IS gone! Unfortunately, now I have a pill stuck in my throat and am nauseous from all the crap I’ve been eating and drinking to dislodge the stupid thing.

Top it all off? I have a horrible gag reflex. Just gargling water makes me want to vomit, and having this pill stuck where it is has been triggering the effect every couple of minutes. Guess who has to go to the grocery store in a few minutes to get groceries for dinner tonight?

I wondered if the pharmacist would have any ideas. It can’t be any worse than Demon Lady laughing at me can it?

The pharmacist was a really nice lady from Vietnam. After a few chuckles and diving for a garbage can when I started gagging again, she told me to eat a ball of rice, after all, it’s what she does when a fish bone gets stuck in her throat (her words not mine). I will need to find some way to add this little suggestion to those I found on Google!

After two days the thing finally seems to have disappeared – I still feel a little lump in my throat, but I haven’t had to gag in a couple of hours! Whew!

Just for prevention sake: Stand up when taking pills, don’t take a bunch all at the same time, drink lots of fluids, and don’t listen to Google for medical advice. It’ll only scare you more or have you doing things you’d never dream of until you get a pill stuck in your throat!

But,  if you need to get rid of any kind of pain, simply follow Skinny & Fuzz’s advice and smash your finger with a hammer. You’ll forget all about whatever was bothering you!

Good Luck!
Johnny McDunn